Dear Sports Fans & Cereal Patrons,

We regret to inform you that our sponsorship of Olympic swimming phenom, Michael Phelps, will be terminated immediately. Our decision to do so, posthaste, is the disheartening result of his own likeness seen literally smoking through the water [pipe], in a photograph published by some Cockney rag. The rag’s readers take the associations of scandal and breakfast cereal as an affront to their most important daily meal. And, the 25 hour-a-day world news machine supports this sentiment. Mr. Phelps has no where to hide, and no one to blame but himself … and the moron with the camera phone.

Some of us at the Kellogg Company know how delicious our products can be when you are bonged out of your mind … Apple Jacks especially. But the issue here is not Froot Loops, Le’Go My Eggos, or Frosted Mini-Wheats and their savory and sober enjoyment, the issue here is about image … and money. Frosted Flakes cost money, Honey Smacks cost money; we spend several hundred million a year in advertising to discourage the obvious drug connotations in both products … don’t even get me started on Bran Buds, or crack flavored Pop-Tarts. If Mr. Phelps had been smoking high fructose corn syrup, or snorting enriched flour, the need for this missive would be moot, because our foods are neither unhealthy, nor are they illegal (no matter how you ingest them).

In closing, as we remove our company name and payroll services from the tarnished aquatic champion we had aggressively sought for contract, we hope that You (the Cereal Citizenry) will continue to buy Kellogg‘s and support our "zero bong-picture" policy.

If you are one of the very few survivors to have experienced the unfortunate drone of cannabis, we ask for your discretion in life, and, most certainly, for you to suspend any aspirations of greatness in the arena of competitive swimming.

Please, please, please continue to buy our non-criminal cereals ... please. (Unless in Amsterdam, then try the Mueslix-X-rated Bran, or the Special K-420. That shit‘ll fuck you up).

Sincerely,
Tony the Tiger